How Planning a Wedding Affected My Mental Health

It’s no secret that I’ve been gone for quite some time and I know I addressed that in my last post. Today is December 10thand I am sitting here on my flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii next to my snoring husband and a crying baby, reflecting on what the heck happened this weekend. I’m MARRIED. WHUTTT?! 

I always told myself that I’d never be bridezilla. I’ve been in weddings with bridezilla and let me tell you… Plus, in general I’m way to apathetic to sweat the small stuff. My biggest career downfall is lack of attention to detail. And to be completely honest, if this wedding had taken place a year or so ago, it would have gone so differently because I guarantee I wouldn’t have thought twice about most of the things I freaked out the most about this weekend such as the exact timing for the ceremony. 

Earlier this year, I got to add mania to my ever growing list of things wrong with my brain. Yay me. Let me tell you, the past couple weeks, it has not let me down in the slightest. For weeks leading up to my wedding, I didn’t sleep. I’d be up at 3 am counting the seconds in the wedding party precession song. I spent more sleepless nights than I’d care to count planning exactly how I wanted things to go, only to have them changed multiple times on wedding day, throwing me into full on panic during both rehearsals. I even made sure to schedule extra therapy sessions weeks leading up to the big day. That poor, poor woman that had to listen to me freak out about bringing new items into my house after the shower and calm me down about changing my name. Honestly, do you think I really wanted to be awake at 3 am trying to perfect the lavender to silver ratio of my decor? No. I didn’t. Did my brain and body give me a choice? Also, no. I had no control over my brain and felt helpless. But of course, there were also things- important things- that completely slipped my mind. For example, when my best friend and I pulled up to the hair salon on wedding morning and she asked me what she should tell the stylist to do and I looked at her blankly and said “I don’t know, Meagan. Make a decision.” 

I wanted to get married so badly. Ask anyone who knows me well, I had mental breakdowns for a solid 2 years about “why doesn’t my boyfriend love me?” We got engaged in February and naturally, I wanted to get married super fast. We picked December 8th as a date because I always fantasized about my wedding being a classy, Christmassy, winter evening -and it was. It was gorgeous and everything I could have hoped for aesthetically, which was such a relief since I spent the past several months wishing I had just gone to Vegas due to how stressful wedding planning was. I kept disappearing during the reception -and people noticed. I was so overwhelmed with what had just happened, the amount of people there and dying of heat stroke in my giant dress. I have to laugh though because there was a point in the night where I was so incredibly drunk and hot in my dress that I grabbed an entire pitcher of water off a random table and went outside, with no shoes on I might add. A couple minutes later I looked up and thought “why am I outside…?” I seriously felt like I had a panic attack for 12 hours straight. 

I’ve been sleeping randomly in 3-4 hour increments. I haven’t been nice to people. And the worst part is, I still feel like I have zero control. The past couple months have left me with a very strict agenda to follow and now that I have a week to relax, I don’t know how. It’s normal to be stressed out planning a wedding. I’d worry about the bride who didn’t stress. But losing control is terrifying. Not sleeping for days yet still having the energy to micromanage every step you take is terrifying. I’m still beating myself up over things I guarantee no one except for me noticed and I cant stop. I can only hope that a week in Hawaii doing everything I love with the person I love the most, will bring my brain back to a good place. 

I’m Still Alive

Long time no see?!

I’ve gotten quite a few messages asking me where I’ve been/ am I ok? Yes. Yes I am! Thank you for caring enough to check on me. I love you.

So, where have I been? The short answer: busy. Very, very busy.

I’m getting married in 9 days and planning a wedding is basically a full time job, especially in the couple months leading up to it. Brace yourself for wedding posts and travel posts from my honeymoon! I am also working two jobs: my regular bank job and delivering pizzas on the side for wedding and travel money. Between my two jobs, my side writing projects and planning a wedding, I’ve barely had time to breathe. I’ve also taken up film photography as something I would like to get even better at. I’m also planning an epic trip for next spring. I’ve been feeling pretty great lately, aside from wedding anxiety. I’m not nervous about being married. I’m nervous about everyone staring at me while I get married because … well, just Phoebe things hahah.

I’m excited to get back to posting regularly again. I’ve missed blogging so, so much. Thank you for sticking with me during my 4 month (wow, I suck) hiatus.Incase you missed it, here is some side writing I’ve done since I’ve been gone:

wanderthearctic.com/vista

wanderthearctic.com/thehouse

And Cue the Alaska Posts…

I have a love/hate relationship with the “On This Day” feature on Facebook. Sometimes I get a kick out of seeing how dumb I was in 2009 but other times it reminds me of things I miss, like today for example. Facebook reminded me that a year ago today, I was on my way to Alaska. This also brings me full circle with Wander the Arctic. I started Wander the Arctic after I got back from Alaska in 2017 because I was searching for something positive to do with my life. Here I am, sitting in the same Starbucks, drinking the same mocha, on the same laptop, writing this post. Almost a year later. I believe I started Wander on September 9th (I came back August 27th) and I really want to do something special for it’s birthday. I just haven’t decided what yet. 

I am going to circle back to my very first post. I would give absolutely anything to feel the joy I felt on this day last year (August 18th). I do in a way though. Alaska was a big deal for me because it was one of the first times I ever embraced freedom from mental illness. Getting on that plane was like a huge middle finger to my depression. I’ve now accepted that it is possible to have freedom from my brain and I can wander wherever I want and I should see the world.

I miss the mountains and the wildlife. I miss the standing on a glacier. I miss drinking mochas every morning while staring at the mountains. I miss embracing the day for what it was, not my own personal agenda. Alaska 2019 is happening and remembering how much Alaska 2017 meant to me is my motivation for make this happen. I know I have several hurdles to jump over, as I have other trips planned and only so much time I can take off work. And bills. And a wedding. And school.Also, it was NOT cheap by any means. But I WILL get there. I will get back to the place that has my heart next year. Forgive me for how many Alaska posts that are going to go up this week and next. I can’t help it. I love Alaska with all my heart.

I Got Bit By a Dangerous Bug, again…

This week I got bit by a dangerous bug again… well… the travel bug. Okay, okay… that was probably the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written but hey, I got you to click on this post, right? Also, I promise to stop click-baiting you… eventually.

Obviously, I love to travel and this past week, the desire to travel has been strong. Strong enough for me to take a second (well, third I guess) job to put back money for a couple epic trips I am planning for 2019. I usually try to travel as much as possible, regardless of where its at (I usually just want to GO) but right now, I am actually going to buckle down for once and focus on a couple specific goals. I have a couple little trips just across state lines (or in one case, 10 minutes across the Canadian border) coming up this fall,  and of course, my honeymoon (incase you didn’t know, I’m getting married in December!).

Seeing the world has always been a priority for me but I’ve never actually been outside of North America, so naturally that’s my next goal. Don’t get me wrong, North America is beautiful! I mean, look at some of these pictures!

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

Natural Bridge, Aruba

Toronto, Canada

Denali National Park, Alaska

So here’s to hard work as ya girl works her lil booty off to get to Southeast Asia next year!