My apologies for not being consistent last week with my posts. I haven’t been feeling good, and yes I mean my brain hasn’t been feeling good. I promise that this week, I will have 3 consistent posts: Monday, Thursday and Saturday.
I know I talk a lot about how I combat my depression with travel and staying busy. Most of the time, life is awesome. I truly wish to inspire others to take a step toward conquering their own struggles. But my blog is also about honesty and honestly, sometimes life is not so awesome. If I truly want to share my story, I need to be completely honest even when it means sharing the good, the bad and the ugly sides of my brain.
Mental illness is ugly. It can be horrifying and disgusting. For me, when I am in a bad place I tend to neglect my well-being whether that be not drinking enough water or taking a shower or even brushing my hair. As a matter of fact, this evening (yes, I am writing this Sunday night) I actually had to cut a chunk of my hair out due to neglecting to brush it for over a week. This is not the first time I have had this experience. In fact, I probably don’t even have enough fingers to count the amount of times I have had to cut chunks out of my long blonde hair because they were too far gone to fix due to my own negligence. Yes, I went to work this week however, I didn’t wear makeup or even proper uniform and I threw my hair in a bun everyday, I don’t even think I bothered to fix my bun for like 3 days at one point. I was pretty lifeless and robotic. I came home and went to bed around 7pm every night not even bothering to eat dinner. Yesterday afternoon, I went hiking and it didn’t take long for me to become lightheaded and eventually throw up because I was so dehydrated. I really suck at taking care of myself when I have these “episodes”. Truthfully, its hard to want to. I know that from and outside perspective, it can be difficult to understand how somebody lets themself into this position. How hard is it to take a 5 minute shower? How hard is it to drink a glass of water? The honest answer: pretty damn hard sometimes. Its not even fully about the amount of effort it takes to perform these tasks (well, sometimes it is). It is about wanting to take care of yourself and when you are in a position where you don’t want to take care of yourself or you don’t care enough to, completing these tasks feels so far out of reach and nearly impossible.
My hope is that this week will be much better and all of my hair can stay intact. I also hope to continue to strive to want to take care of myself even when its hard to want to. If I don’t want to do it for the bad days, I need to do it for the good days so that I don’t have to constantly make up for what I didn’t do on a bad day.