It’s no secret that mental illness runs the lives of so many people, including myself. Earlier today when I was at work, I was thinking about all the things that I did not get accomplished last week because my brain did not want to be in the right place. After all, if you read Monday’s post, I did have to cut a chunk of my hair out due to my own neglect to take care of myself. I started
thinking about how many things I have not been able to accomplish in my life because of this and most of them make no sense. So, naturally I compiled a list of the top 5 things mental illness made me do that never really made sense but nonetheless, have brought me to where I am today. I know that it is so difficult to comprehend why I would allow these things to happen in my life, but if you struggle with any form of mental illness, I know you can relate.
Here are 5 things that mental illness has made me do that make no sense whatsoever:
Cancel plans because I was upset about being lonely.
WHAT?! Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, my brain thinks that its logical to cancel plans WITH OTHER PEOPLE when I am upset about being alone. Makes perfect sense, right?
Maintain a job where I was told I was useless -and like it.
Yes, you also read that correctly. For years, I maintained a job where I was constantly threatened, verbally abused and treated like a piece of dirt (it was NOT the company, just the particular manager). But I put up with it, because even if I was not the right way to be treated, I felt as if I deserved it -not because I didn’t do a good job, but because of my low self-esteem and self-hatred. After all, misery does love company right?
Not apply to college.
My entire life it was drilled into my brain that I was going to college -and I did. It’s not that I didn’t want to go to college, I just did not have the motivation for months at a time to apply for college. When my high school teachers found out I did not apply to any colleges (I was one of the top in my class to naturally they thought that was really
weird), they helped me apply but I only ended up applying for one school. I didn’t apply to any of my dream schools or schools I had visited. I just randomly applied to a University, got accepted and went there. I later dropped out and finished a two year program instead but my entire life, I dreamed of having the perfect 4 year college experience and depression robbed me of that simply because I couldn’t find the desire to fill out some paperwork.
Completely give up on something that at one point, was my entire life.
I used to be a singer-songwriter. I played multiple instruments, wrote songs and recorded them. I used to perform live and even played with a band for a while. I abruptly gave that up and have never looked back. Yes, from time to time I pull out my guitar and of course I sing to the radio but something that was my entire live, my passion was just gone one day and I never really thought twice about it.
Go broke traveling the world.
I am not complaining about this one for sure. Although mental illness has made me do a lot of questionable things, I thought I would end on a happy note. I might make spontaneous, somewhat stupid decisions and book flights I can’t afford or plan trips when I know I don’t have enough vacation time, its experiences like these that make my life worth living. Planning things the sensible way just doesn’t work for me and it probably never will and I am learning to be okay with that.