feeling guilty about being happy…

Hello Wanderers! This is going to just be a brain dump-journal-rant type of post and I am sorry if it does not interest you but I am very curious as to if any of you can relate to what I am about to say. Also, I really need to express what has been consuming my brain -and well- that is exactly why I have a blog to begin with.

 

My biggest depression -for lack of a better way to put this: trigger…- has always been and probably always will be: jealousy. Over the years the jealousy has jumped from concept to concept. And it has been extreme. I have lost so many friends because as soon as they had something I wanted, I would lash out on them and hurt them so badly emotionally to make sure they wouldn’t want to chase after me when I left.

For the past about 3 years my biggest reason for jealousy was engagements and marriage. I wanted to be engaged or married so badly that I would have mental breakdowns for days when I would get on social media and see an engagement announcement or wedding photos- even though I was extremely happy in my relationship. I don’t necessarily think these feelings stem from me wanting a materialistic item such as a ring or a wedding but they more stem from me feeling inadequate compared to my peers -in the same way I dropped my best friend when I was 16 because she got her driver’s license before me.

I recently became engaged and I have never been happier. I am so excited to marry the man of my dreams in December. I haven’t stopped smiling and feeling on top of the world -until I start feeling guilty for being happy……HUH!?!?!?!?!

Let me explain: I am so freaking happy. I honestly have never been happier. I want to stand on top of a mountain and announce to the world that I get to marry the absolute man of my dreams. But I stop myself from doing that because I fear that there is someone else like me out there who is having a mental breakdown because they saw my engagement. I want to spare their feelings. I’ve expressed this to my friends and they tell me I deserve to be as open about my happiness as I want. I can post as many pictures as I want and tell and many people as I want but I can’t bring myself to do it. It pains me so much to think that I could be hurting someone else and not even know it.

This is probably a really weird problem to have but I would honestly love some thoughts on this. Can anyone else relate? I would love to talk to someone about this who can relate.

Comments

  1. Hey!

    First off, I love the rawness of this post! It takes alot to be so honest and cabn leave you feeling exposed, so brave!

    In my honest opinion, I feel only after reading this post, that it is a deepen guilt why you feel you can’t be happy.

    After naming a few of the situations where you have ‘dropped’ your friends because of the jealousy, I think perhaps now you have something that you REALLY, really wanted it, it has brought memorise back as to when you friends may of been happy and shouting about something, i.e passing their driving test and you left them…

    You say that you don’t want to shout about been happy, in case someone is like you and you hurt them- Is a strong statement, this represents that you have full overcome the ‘jealousy’ emotion and now know how to deal it, but I think you need to accept your past relationship with ‘Jealousy’ and move on.

    Post that picture, celebrate and be happy.

    You can’t control what other people think, but you can control how you think of others!

    Great post

    • Hi! First- thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts. This post makes me feel better and actually gave me some confidence I needed to post a wedding related picture. I like what you said about accepting my relationship with jealousy. I think the fact that I feel guilty this time compared to the other times means that I am accepting it. If this ever happens again I hope that I will recognize that they are so happy just like I am so happy right now and it’s not my place to take that away from them.
      Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate you and I hope you have a great day!

      • Absolutely!!! I think the way in which you feel guilty is definitely a sign of growth and development! Have the most fantastic day, enjoy every second and look forward to reading more of your posts!! P.s I get married in 12 days!!!

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