Hello Wanderers! This is going to just be a brain dump-journal-rant type of post and I am sorry if it does not interest you but I am very curious as to if any of you can relate to what I am about to say. Also, I really need to express what has been consuming my brain -and well- that is exactly why I have a blog to begin with.
My biggest depression -for lack of a better way to put this: trigger…- has always been and probably always will be: jealousy. Over the years the jealousy has jumped from concept to concept. And it has been extreme. I have lost so many friends because as soon as they had something I wanted, I would lash out on them and hurt them so badly emotionally to make sure they wouldn’t want to chase after me when I left.
For the past about 3 years my biggest reason for jealousy was engagements and marriage. I wanted to be engaged or married so badly that I would have mental breakdowns for days when I would get on social media and see an engagement announcement or wedding photos- even though I was extremely happy in my relationship. I don’t necessarily think these feelings stem from me wanting a materialistic item such as a ring or a wedding but they more stem from me feeling inadequate compared to my peers -in the same way I dropped my best friend when I was 16 because she got her driver’s license before me.
I recently became engaged and I have never been happier. I am so excited to marry the man of my dreams in December. I haven’t stopped smiling and feeling on top of the world -until I start feeling guilty for being happy……HUH!?!?!?!?!
Let me explain: I am so freaking happy. I honestly have never been happier. I want to stand on top of a mountain and announce to the world that I get to marry the absolute man of my dreams. But I stop myself from doing that because I fear that there is someone else like me out there who is having a mental breakdown because they saw my engagement. I want to spare their feelings. I’ve expressed this to my friends and they tell me I deserve to be as open about my happiness as I want. I can post as many pictures as I want and tell and many people as I want but I can’t bring myself to do it. It pains me so much to think that I could be hurting someone else and not even know it.
This is probably a really weird problem to have but I would honestly love some thoughts on this. Can anyone else relate? I would love to talk to someone about this who can relate.