I don’t typically like to post about things as they are happening, I usually wait until afterward but I think it is important to share a bit of what’s been going on in my medical life and in my brain recently.
I was not going to post about this until after I was finished with my current IOP, but since by the time this post goes up, I will have maybe a week left of my program so I feel okay about it. My two month stretch of attending IOP (intensive outpatient) classes is coming to a bittersweet end. I hated the idea of IOP. I hated the idea that three nights out of my week would involve spending three hours in an office almost an hour away from where I live. I didn’t like the idea of having to leave work early and have everyone knowing why. I didn’t like the idea of having to schedule my entire life around going to therapy. The first two nights I attended this class and group therapy session, I drove home crying hysterically because I didn’t want to be there. I felt helpless because I had lost control of my life so badly that I had to be in intensive treatment. If you know me in my daily life, you know I’m a control freak. I was terrified of what repressed events and emotions I would suddenly be forced to vomit up.
Two months later, I’m actually going to miss it, I think. However, in a way I feel even more lost than when I started. When I started, I was confused about how I could be in a manic episode without a bipolar diagnosis. I was angry about being there and I was rapidly switching between being on top of the world with my career and feeling like a failure of a human who didn’t deserve to breathe.
I know Borderline Personality Disorder is a controversial diagnosis. Some doctors don’t even believe it’s real and since they changed the way it is even diagnosed to begin with, that is becoming more and more true. That confuses me because of the list of characteristics you have to have to be diagnosed, I have most of them. I recently met with a medication prescriber who upon asking me my diagnosis and me answering her, responded with “oh. They don’t do that anymore.” THE EFF YOU MEAN THEY DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE?! It’s on paper!
I inquired about this with a therapist and he explained to me that it is still a valid diagnosis and I felt better. But he also said it may not be the right diagnosis for me, further confusing me. Like- if I don’t actually have BPD, then the book I’ve been writing about conquering BPD is completely invalid and I’m back in square one.
I have a very technical brain and thought process. I like to trouble shoot the problem, and tackle it. That’s what I’ve been doing with BPD and I feel like I have done so well so to think that I may have been diagnosed incorrectly is really messing with my head. I know that it’s just a label. I’ve been told by so many people not to care about a silly label. But for a troubleshooter like me, it helps to know what I should be looking for. So yes- I care a lot about my labels.
So here I am, praying that I am not headed back to square one. I honestly don’t know what is next for me and it’s terrifying. But I decided to be transparent today and share my little life/depression/BPD update with y’all.