This is probably going to be the hardest thing to date that I’ve had to click “publish” for. Throughout all the healing I’ve worked toward over the past couple years, there are a few things I have ignored (on purpose) and lately, its been heavy on my heart to make things right, with myself and with others who have been victims of crazy things I’ve done or said in the past. I’d have to say honestly, at this point I feel about 85% better than I did several months ago (and basically my whole life prior to then) but in order to be 100%, I have to stop pretending like huge parts of my past personality didn’t exist. This isn’t targeted at one specific person, but rather several people who have walked out of my life with a negative impression of who I am as a human. So here it goes:
Hi. It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken, much longer than I would have liked but it’s probably too soon for you still. I hope you will at least hear me out for just a minute. Since we don’t talk, you probably don’t read my blog so you probably need a little background of where I’ve been. I’ve struggled with some pretty severe depression my entire life and I never got proper help until 2016. Since 2016, I’ve seen numerous doctors, therapists, been in programs to help me get my brain under control. I have a diagnosis called Borderline Personality Disorder and I won’t give you a whole textbook definition of it but in short, I have no idea how to treat people, or rather, I didn’t in the past. I have a few other diagnoses also, but that one is key. Like I said, I’m doing alright now. My whole life, I lived in fear of people leaving me. If you weren’t telling me you loved me, you were probably off somewhere hating me. Jealousy consumed every thought, word and action of mine. I needed constant reassurance that I deserved.. well honestly, to live.
My mental illness is NOT an excuse for me treating people like dirt. I know that. I can’t apologize on behalf of an illness. I still have that illness and I always will have that illness. The difference is, I know how to handle it now. I no longer feel the need to make people feel like a victim in order to be validated. I honestly never realized that it was me who was in the wrong, not everyone else. All I can do is to move forward with a positive outlook on life and lift people up instead of tearing them down.
Like I said, I can’t apologize on behalf of an illness but I can apologize for the way I handled my relationships in the past and I can honestly say that until I started making an effort to learn about why I think and feel the way I do, I never realized that I was the one who was wrong. I am free from that mindset now and I want to be free of the regret and guilt and I carry because of these things. Thank you for hearing me out and allowing me to be honest. Going forward, I am better.
This has been so heavy on me for the past few weeks and I decided, its time I forgive myself for who I was in my darkest times. Whether or not you have been negatively impacted by someone struggling with a severe mental illness, I hope you can take something away from my experience and learn from it. I know I’m learning from it everyday.