It’s no secret that I’ve been gone for quite some time and I know I addressed that in my last post. Today is December 10thand I am sitting here on my flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii next to my snoring husband and a crying baby, reflecting on what the heck happened this weekend. I’m MARRIED. WHUTTT?!
I always told myself that I’d never be bridezilla. I’ve been in weddings with bridezilla and let me tell you… Plus, in general I’m way to apathetic to sweat the small stuff. My biggest career downfall is lack of attention to detail. And to be completely honest, if this wedding had taken place a year or so ago, it would have gone so differently because I guarantee I wouldn’t have thought twice about most of the things I freaked out the most about this weekend such as the exact timing for the ceremony.
Earlier this year, I got to add mania to my ever growing list of things wrong with my brain. Yay me. Let me tell you, the past couple weeks, it has not let me down in the slightest. For weeks leading up to my wedding, I didn’t sleep. I’d be up at 3 am counting the seconds in the wedding party precession song. I spent more sleepless nights than I’d care to count planning exactly how I wanted things to go, only to have them changed multiple times on wedding day, throwing me into full on panic during both rehearsals. I even made sure to schedule extra therapy sessions weeks leading up to the big day. That poor, poor woman that had to listen to me freak out about bringing new items into my house after the shower and calm me down about changing my name. Honestly, do you think I really wanted to be awake at 3 am trying to perfect the lavender to silver ratio of my decor? No. I didn’t. Did my brain and body give me a choice? Also, no. I had no control over my brain and felt helpless. But of course, there were also things- important things- that completely slipped my mind. For example, when my best friend and I pulled up to the hair salon on wedding morning and she asked me what she should tell the stylist to do and I looked at her blankly and said “I don’t know, Meagan. Make a decision.”
I wanted to get married so badly. Ask anyone who knows me well, I had mental breakdowns for a solid 2 years about “why doesn’t my boyfriend love me?” We got engaged in February and naturally, I wanted to get married super fast. We picked December 8th as a date because I always fantasized about my wedding being a classy, Christmassy, winter evening -and it was. It was gorgeous and everything I could have hoped for aesthetically, which was such a relief since I spent the past several months wishing I had just gone to Vegas due to how stressful wedding planning was. I kept disappearing during the reception -and people noticed. I was so overwhelmed with what had just happened, the amount of people there and dying of heat stroke in my giant dress. I have to laugh though because there was a point in the night where I was so incredibly drunk and hot in my dress that I grabbed an entire pitcher of water off a random table and went outside, with no shoes on I might add. A couple minutes later I looked up and thought “why am I outside…?” I seriously felt like I had a panic attack for 12 hours straight.
I’ve been sleeping randomly in 3-4 hour increments. I haven’t been nice to people. And the worst part is, I still feel like I have zero control. The past couple months have left me with a very strict agenda to follow and now that I have a week to relax, I don’t know how. It’s normal to be stressed out planning a wedding. I’d worry about the bride who didn’t stress. But losing control is terrifying. Not sleeping for days yet still having the energy to micromanage every step you take is terrifying. I’m still beating myself up over things I guarantee no one except for me noticed and I cant stop. I can only hope that a week in Hawaii doing everything I love with the person I love the most, will bring my brain back to a good place.