let’s talk about forgiveness.

So. THIS. Is probably gonna spark some argument and that’s fine. I live to challenge and be challenged. But today, I want to talk about forgiveness. Specifically: lack of forgiveness.

Ultimately, I believe forgiveness is extremely important. I’m the type of person who holds grudges and struggles to forgive almost everybody who does me wrong. I have no problem admitting that. I know I could blame chemical imbalance if I wanted to but I think it’s much more so that I have just been hurt a lot and given a lot of people 100 chances when 99 of them they didn’t actually deserve.

I believe that forgiveness is important if and only if you were actually ready to forgive that person or that situation. Forgiving somebody when you are not ready and you don’t mean it, is no different then just not forgiving them altogether.

Not being quick to forgive does not mean that I live with a lot of hate in my heart. Quite frankly, it means just the opposite. It means that I know my worth and I know the impact of the situation and I know that I’m still working through those things. I’m not going to forgive years and years of damage in three seconds if the damage is still extremely prominent in my life. Not because I’m a terrible person and not because I have grown to hate that person, but because I know I need to fully work through it first. For me at least, if I try to forgive somebody before I am truly ready to, I just end up with the second grudge toward them. Not forgiving right away doesn’t mean that person is dead to me either. It just means I’m still bothered by some things and I could be keeping myself at a bit of a distance but again, it’s not a hateful thing. It’s just me taking care of myself, knowing what I am and am not ready to let go of and move on from. Forgiving too soon can feel like justifying to yourself that it’s ok to let people put out your flame when it’s not. Of course, I’m not suggesting hiding out saying “f*ck the world” for the rest of your life but if you need time, take the time.

I’ve recently been in a position where I feel like I am being begged to forgive when the truth is: I don’t feel like I need to. At least not at this point in time. Because if I was to fake forgiveness, then I would be doing all of my progress a huge injustice.

If you are actively trying to heal and move toward a position where you one day can forgive, then there is nothing wrong with not being so quick to forgive. Saying you forgive and actually forgiving are two completely different things.

One Comment

  • Forgiveness is truly an inward personal thing. When a person no longer holds on to whatever injustice they are harboring, when they let go of the burden it brings to them, it is freeing. I go back and forth forgiving a certain person in my life. Every now and then I feel that tinge of uneasiness, the hate, the negativity it brings to my psyche creeps in and I have to rely on coping skills or I’d go nuts.
    My point is, when we can hash out a grievance and agree to disagree and keep moving forward – that type of forgiveness is the best, it’s healthy. Certain things I think are unforgivable, but I choose to react from love rather than fear and that has always helped me to let go of things that don’t serve me for the better.

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