um, hi. here’s another update…

I know I’ve been slacking again y’all. I’ve been posting late or not at all or not according to schedule and I’m sorry. I know that this is usually a sign that I’m not doing well when I start neglecting my blog but it’s actually been quite the opposite. I have actually been doing incredibly well. This is going to be a long one today, so put your feet up, grab a cat, grab a snack and enjoy this novel.

I went for a walk at the park this afternoon and I snapped a picture similar to this picture I found the other day of me in 2013 -what I like to think was the time period I had the most figured out.

Ahhhh -the girl on the left. So full of ambition. So sure of what she wanted. The girl on the left was kind of a badass. She would literally run 6 miles and then go straight to Zumba class. She had a job she liked with all of her friends and used the rest of her time to write and perform music. It’s hard not to get sad when I look at her. But what I also remember, is that that girl still struggled with depression and self worth. She betrayed her friends in ways she could never admit to. She jumped from relationship to relationship and carried a lot of stress at all times.

The girl on the right has spent the past 5 years mourning the girl on the left. For almost 5 years she has been drowning in self hatred, working a job she can’t stand, rapidly gaining weight and hating herself even more for it and struggling to find reasons to keep going. But what I also know is that she has traveled more than the average person, has a stable environment to live in and is happily married to the guy that the girl on the left never thought she’d be good enough for.

I keep referring to the girl in the picture as two different girls but she’s not. She’s one girl and she’s me.

I really want to keep going forward. Everyone has a chapter they prefer to not read out loud and I think the past 4-5 years is mine. I’m closing it and moving on. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done dwelling on it.

So what does that mean for Wander the Arctic? I can’t guarantee a schedule anymore but I promise I’ll still be posting just as much, maybe even more. I would like WTA to follow my personal life a little more, rather than generalized mental health posts. Of course I still want to do motivational posts but if all that I have to say that day is just talking about my week, so be it. It’s been 2 years of all kinds of random posts, niche changes and experimental content. It probably still will be. And I don’t plan to stop blogging any time soon. It’s a creative outlet for me and that’s really all that matters, at least to me.

I’ve decided I don’t really like writing articles for other people and I don’t really like doing photography so I’m going to stop putting my time and energy into those things. For so long, I was so desperate for a creative outlet so I tried everything I could think of and nothing satisfied me. I assume that’s because I gave up on the ones that did. No matter how hard you try, you can’t force something to become your passion.

Since it’s May and May is BPD awareness month I still plan on posting a lot of BPD related content just to educate. I’m obviously still going to advocate for awareness. That part of my life definitely isn’t gone. But even if it was, I would still be an advocate. Since it’s May, I’m donating all of the profit from my shirts sold to BPD Awareness so please check them out if you have a second.

Like I said, I do not plan on stopping blogging anytime soon. I have loved my experience as a blogger and I would still love to grow. I am just done trying to make something work that I am not all in. Being confined to a niche just to try to get views has been exhausting and has taken all the enjoyment out of it. And that’s not why I started my blog. I started my blog to document my life. I used to absolutely love every aspect of blogging. I would get really excited when I had an idea and I couldn’t wait to post. But now it feels more like a chore on my to do list than anything because I am constantly stressing out about what will get views and what won’t. Or what are my friends and family going to see and judge me for this week? And that’s just not an enjoyable lifestyle to live. As far as what people think about me and the kind of stuff I like to post, I couldn’t care less. My life is my story to tell and no one else’s. But I would rather create what satisfies me than stay up too late at night stalking my analytics and trying to figure out what I’m doing right and wrong, wondering why what was once a passion of mine is no longer enjoyable. I want creating to be that thing that lights a fire inside of me again and it has been lately because I’m doing it for ME. Not for money or views or anyone else. Here’s to a new chapter -one I’m proud to read out loud.

I hope you are all doing well too. Thank you for the support always.

love, phoebe.

One Comment

  • I’m so happy you’re happy you badass you!

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