I Can’t Afford to Not Be Depressed.

*Before I get into this post, I feel the need to make a huge disclaimer. I am hesitant to even post this because I don’t want to deter or discourage anyone from getting the help they need. I truly believe that you will figure it out (just like I know I will). I just feel the need to vent my frustrations and be honest about what’s going one with me at the moment.

I’m not sure how familiar you are with my mental health background (I have quite a few new readers, I’ve noticed), but if you were around a few months ago, you know I was checked into and mental health crisis center back in April and completed an IOP program. Upon completing this program, I felt on top of the world. I felt like I was given a second chance at life, I mean I kind of was, right? I’ve been doing amazing. Ask anyone in my daily life. I have a positive attitude now that makes people question “who are you and what did you do with Phoebe?”.

Unfortunately, in a way I feel as if my progress as been completely undone because, well…. I owe an absurd amount of money now because of this. I won’t put a number on it. It’s not my intent to ask for pity. It happens. Its life. Yes- I have insurance. Good insurance. But that’s still not enough. On top of this, I spend about $90 a month on medication. I literally had to take a second job delivering pizzas to pay for this.

I think it’s incredibly messed up that because I wanted to die, I had to put myself in an endless cycle of debt that continually makes me want to die. I literally cannot afford to not be depressed and thats messed up.

I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself lately and I kind of think I have a right to.

So that’s where I’m at right now and why I’ve been inconsistent. Because I’ve been laying in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark.

College Advice From a College Dropout

I hate to say it (and believe it), but it’s back to school time. Where I live, schools are already back in session which means it’s almost that time for colleges too. I too, am dragging my butt back to college on the 20th (or to Starbucks with my laptop. Online school for the win!). I’m starting college, again (Yes-again) this year. I hated college so much. I even wrote a 3-part series about how much I hated college. So why am I going back to school if I hate it so much? Well, Friends- I know what I want to do with my life now. I am not a piece of clay for an academic advisor. I have a plan.

As much as I didn’t want to go to college when I was 18, I was still slightly excited to have a chance to discover new passions and reinvent myself. After all- that’s what you’re supposed to do in college, right? Right. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently (and believe me, they will try to).

The first time I met with an advisor at the university I was going to attend, we a had a conversation that I had no idea would mess me up for years after. I had no idea what I wanted to major in. Even at that point, all I knew was that I wanted to be able to travel. Going in, I said I was potentially interested in majoring in sociology and she immediately shut that down. “Are you an athlete?” She asked me, questioningly. “No…” I said. “Don’t major in sociology. That’s what we call the athlete major. It’s an easy diploma.” Yes- let’s forget the fact that I thrived in my sociology class in high school and was intrigued by every ounce of information I took in during that course -but also, that’s downright wrong for someone who specializes in academic success to say -and believe. I decided not to declare a major to start out even though, my gut feeling told me to do so anyway.

When I went back to register for classes I was sitting next to a girl who was telling me her academic plans and she seemed so excited. She was telling me how excited she was to start taking Arabic classes and sociology classes. Her advisor was so supportive. I told my advisor that I wanted to take Mandarin (if I couldn’t have soc classes, I would at least have the language I wanted) but she enrolled me in Spanish 202 insisting that anything else would be dumb.

I had a miserable semester but I’m not blaming one lady in particular for it- it’s my own fault for not standing up for myself (and my most costly learning experience that’s for sure). I just want you to know that you do have choices. If someone who doesn’t know you and bases their whole knowledge of you off of a quick glance at your transcript consisting mostly of classes you were forced to take by law tries to convince you they know what’s best for you, you don’t have to listen to them.

You’ve known yourself for 17, 18, 19+ years. If you know what you want (or quite frankly, even if you don’t), don’t let someone who only knows your first name from glancing at a piece of paper tell you what you want. You have choices and I just want to make that known to you.

I Got Bit By a Dangerous Bug, again…

This week I got bit by a dangerous bug again… well… the travel bug. Okay, okay… that was probably the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written but hey, I got you to click on this post, right? Also, I promise to stop click-bating you… eventually.

 

Obviously, I love to travel and this past week, the desire to travel has been strong. Strong enough for me to take a second (well, third I guess) job to put back money for a couple epic trips I am planning for 2019. I usually try to travel as much as possible, regardless of where its at (I usually just want to GO) but right now, I am actually going to buckle down for once and focus on a couple specific goals. I have a couple little trips just across state lines (or in one case, 10 minutes across the Canadian border) coming up this fall,  and of course, my honeymoon (incase you didn’t know, I’m getting married in December!).

Seeing the world has always been a priority for me but I’ve never actually been outside of North America, so naturally that’s my next goal. Don’t get me wrong, North America is beautiful! I mean, look at some of these pictures!

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

Natural Bridge, Aruba

Toronto, Canada

Denali National Park, Alaska

 

So here’s to hard work as ya girl works her lil booty off to get to Southeast Asia next year!

One Day or Day One?

I’ve encountered this saying a lot lately and I’m guessing it’s probably for a reason.

A couple days ago I was telling one of my friends about my lifelong dream of having an office with crappy coffee and wearing a suit and a bluetooth and having conversations like “I got the best news on this conference call today” and “yes, I fly out to Atlanta tomorrow morning”. I know that probably sounds like a sarcastic joke, but its not.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my long term goals lately and I’ve also been slapped in the face with the realization that if I continue doing exactly what I am doing right now, I will never, ever achieve anything I want to achieve. As much as I enjoy my comfortable life, I don’t necessarily aspire to be a career bank teller. I love the career I am trying to build with creating content and I love learning new skills. I am the type of person who thrives on teaching myself things but the problem with that is, I can pick and choose what I want to learn, skipping over other important skills.

Last week, I made the decision to enroll myself in school. Again. I swore I would never go back. I’m pretty sure I’ve even said in blog posts that I would never go back. But here I am. Instead of telling myself that one day I will become an expert in the field I aspire to succeed in, I am choosing to make this day one of becoming the expert.

I read another quote the other day that spoke to me as well:

You’re not a failure; you’re just impatient.

I’m incredibly guilty of comparing my timeline to the timelines of others. I freaked out when I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 16 and 1/2, not the day after I turned 16, I freaked out because it took me 3 years to get a 2 year degree, I freaked out about getting married at 25 instead of 23. None of those things make me a failure. I was just being impatient. Being impatient and the “one day” mentality are a deadly combination.

I am choosing to make today my day one on the journey to one day.