Archive for Depression Updates

Missing Alaska…

It’s so hard for me to grasp the idea that my Alaska trip was almost 9 months ago. I will be going again on 2019 but it seems too far away to justify looking forward to. My trip to Alaska changed me so much. Not just the actual 10 days I spent there, but the entire process of preparing to go as well. It was the first real thing in my life that I was able to say “You know what? I can do this and I am going to do this!”. 

Booking the trip taught me how to choose a goal and focus on it. I got to experience working hard to achieve a dream. For 10 months, I had to do research and save money and I could not slack off on that. That is something I can’t say I’d ever done because my brain doesn’t like commitment. I spent more time in nature than ever before. Leading up to the trip, I went hiking every single weekend. It gave me a new appreciation for the beauty all around me. I learned how to be vulnerable and let somebody into different parts of my life (I had a travel buddy for those 10 days. Yes, I knew her before hand and yes we are still close now). Most importantly, while I was there, I learned how to live in the moment and soak up every second of it.

I still carry all these things I learned with me but being honest, I am not very good at embracing them. Last year, I did a three part series on my Post-Alaska Depression (you can find it here, here and here) and it is still just as real now as it was then. I am assuming it probably won’t go away completely until I am in Alaska again and will come back when I return home. Alaska is now a giant part of who I am and it’s my favorite part of me.

It’s World Mental Health Day!

Hi Friends!

I know this is not a day of the week that I normally post but since my blog is primarily about mental health, I wanted to hop on here and wish everyone the best today on this World Mental Health Day. Mental health is a huge struggle for so many of us and I firmly believe that it is so very important to know that you are not alone.

So hello. My name is Phoebe and I just want you to know that I am always cheering you on.

Today, I Had to Cut a Chunk of My Hair Out…

My apologies for not being consistent last week with my posts. I haven’t been feeling good, and yes I mean my brain hasn’t been feeling good. I promise that this week, I will have 3 consistent posts: Monday, Thursday and Saturday.

I know I talk a lot about how I combat my depression with travel and staying busy. Most of the time, life is awesome. I truly wish to inspire others to take a step toward conquering their own struggles. But my blog is also about honesty and honestly, sometimes life is not so awesome. If I truly want to share my story, I need to be completely honest even when it means sharing the good, the bad and the ugly sides of my brain.

Mental illness is ugly. It can be horrifying and disgusting. For me, when I am in a bad place I tend to neglect my well-being whether that be not drinking enough water or taking a shower or even brushing my hair. As a matter of fact, this evening (yes, I am writing this Sunday night) I actually had to cut a chunk of my hair out due to neglecting to brush it for over a week. This is not the first time I have had this experience. In fact, I probably don’t even have enough fingers to count the amount of times I have had to cut chunks out of my long blonde hair because they were too far gone to fix due to my own negligence. Yes, I went to work this week however, I didn’t wear makeup or even proper uniform and I threw my hair in a bun everyday, I don’t even think I bothered to fix my bun for like 3 days at one point. I was pretty lifeless and robotic. I came home and went to bed around 7pm every night not even bothering to eat dinner. Yesterday afternoon, I went hiking and it didn’t take long for me to become lightheaded and eventually throw up because I was so dehydrated. I really suck at taking care of myself when I have these “episodes”. Truthfully, its hard to want to. I know that from and outside perspective, it can be difficult to understand how somebody lets themself into this position. How hard is it to take a 5 minute shower? How hard is it to drink a glass of water? The honest answer: pretty damn hard sometimes. Its not even fully about the amount of effort it takes to perform these tasks (well, sometimes it is). It is about wanting to take care of yourself and when you are in a position where you don’t want to take care of yourself or you don’t care enough to, completing these tasks feels so far out of reach and nearly impossible.

My hope is that this week will be much better and all of my hair can stay intact. I also hope to continue to strive to want to take care of myself even when its hard to want to. If I don’t want to do it for the bad days, I need to do it for the good days so that I don’t have to constantly make up for what I didn’t do on a bad day.


The Post-Alaska Depression Has Been Real…Part III

I’ve had about a week to meditate on my last Post-Alaska Depression post (if you haven’t, catch up here). One of the main reasons why the Post-Alaska Depression has been so real is because I am afraid that 2018 won’t be nearly as adventurous as 2017. I think that is fair. But I am going to try something new (new to me anyway): optimism.

After almost a month and a half of drowning in Post-Adventure-of-a-Lifetime depression, I am going to try optimism. Every adventure is it’s own opportunity and I refuse to compare them to each other any longer. Obviously, my upcoming trip to Georgia is going to be nothing like Alaska just like Alaska was nothing like my trip to Puerto Rico. They are all different pieces of the puzzle that is my story.

So here is to making the most of the rest of 2017! Obviously I am planning to make 2018 as amazing as possible too but I’m going to focus on the rest of 2017.

I am going to have the most kick-ass time visiting my friends in Georgia later this month.

I am going to watch Halsey FREAKING SLAY at her Atlanta show.

I am going to have an amazing time visiting my family in November.

I am going to see The Maine, Knuckle Puck, Jack & Jack and a few other of my favorite musicians.

I am going to grow my blog and share my stories.

I am always going to miss Alaska. I am always going to miss that specific week of my life. But more good things will come, I just need to let them.