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So…I checked myself into a hospital..

I didn’t want to write this post. I really, really didn’t want to write this post. I didn’t want to share this information with anyone in the world but I’m going to. I am going to because I want to provide someone a resource that I wish I had before this happened to me. So here I am.

On Wednesday (actually, since this probably won’t go up for a couple weeks after I write this I’ll give you the date. It was April 18th), I checked myself in a behavioral health crisis center. I’ve thought about it many times and there are so many times I should have gone but was afraid to. This time something set me over the edge and to be honest scared the absolute shit out of me forcing me to take that step.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been manic for weeks. I have never been diagnosed with bipolar so it has taken me by complete surprise. After about 2 weeks of not sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours at a time and constantly having to be moving and not being able to think or focus, it was time. I woke up around 4 o’clock in the morning on Wednesday and the only two things I needed to do that day were go to the bank and get an oil change for my car. Since I had nothing to do until 9, all I could do was pace around my house. For 5 hours. While at the bank, the teller asked me multiple times if I was okay because I was moving a lot. Then, what really made me realize I needed help immediately was when I was sitting in the lobby waiting for my oil change. I couldn’t sit still and was constantly getting up. The man across the lobby from me under his breath referred to me as “fucking tweaker”. At that point, strangers were noticing I wasn’t right so I knew it was time.

I wouldn’t classify myself as having an anxiety disorder and I have never been diagnosed with one, but I do have some anxiety when it comes to showing up places where I am not expected. I wasn’t quite sure where to go and I have heard that going to a regular hospital with mental health issues doesn’t get you very far and they aren’t always very nice. The only place I knew that I could go was about 45 minutes away. I called them and explained what was going on and they told me to come in for an evaluation but they probably wouldn’t keep me inpatient. I was relieved because being hospitalized is also a fear of mine and a huge factor in why I always denied needing more help.

I was there for around four hours that day. I checked in, they took all of my personal items including my jacket, my bag and my phone and brought me to a room. I have no idea how long I was in the room because again, no phone and the room didn’t have a clock. Being manic, trapped in a room with nothing was miserable. I kept walking in circles around the little room and was asked multiple times to sit down. When the therapist came in, we talked for a while and I told her how freaked out I was about what was happening and the diagnoses she already had on file for me and how manic symptoms were not typical for those.

I was released to an outpatient program shortly after since they determined I wasn’t an immediate danger to myself but they also told me not to hesitate to come back if I needed to.

I just wanted to post a little depression update for y’all and give you a little bit of my experience checking myself in somewhere incase anyone reading this is having similar fears about doing so. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve googled “what happens when you check yourself in to a hospital for depression?” or some variation of that over the past 8 or so years. I feel like now that I’ve done it once, if I have to again, it won’t be nearly as scary and I’m here to tell you to just do it if you need to. I promise, it’s worth it.

some art.

“I’ve always infatuated with dandelions. I would pick them and give them to everyone but to my young and naive defeat, nobody wanted them. I never understood why. I would bring them in the house, my mother would throw them away. I pondered why people would spend $20 on roses when there were free flowers in their backyard.

Then I learned that dandelions were weeds. Nobody wanted to give them the chance to be beautiful.” -p.godfrey 4.6.18

 

I Bought Into the Hype (B&BW Aromatherapy Review)

I didn’t get restful sleep for over a month. I would go to bed after midnight and wake up around 4 o’clock in the morning every single day and I couldn’t break the pattern no matter what I tried. I also wasn’t tired at all. I tried to make the most of the extra hours I suddenly had in my day but you’d think at some point I would have gotten tired, right?

I tried a lot of random internet tips out of desperation to break this pattern. I am not the type of person to try just anything that other’s have hyped up but a couple weeks ago, I was in Bath and Body Works and I saw their Aromatherapy line. I had been gifted a few of these products before: Stress Relief, Sensual , Focus, etc. but I never really took the purpose of them seriously or, I guess, really looked into using them for that purpose. I saw one called “Sleep” and it smelled really, really good. It smells like like lavender. If you know me, you know that lavender anything is my favorite; the color, the smell, on occasion the flavor.. I just freaking love lavender. I decided that solely because of the smell I was going to buy at least one of the products (I was also having one of those unnecessary “treat yourself” days). I decided to buy the pillow spray because I didn’t really need any more lotion and although I was embarrassed to think this to myself, I thought maybe it would actually help me.

Well, guess what? It did.

It works. I’ve slept like a baby for the past week or so. Who would have thought? I’m still skeptical, just because it’s me and I think everything is fake and out to get me but whether it really works or is just a placebo effect, it freaking works! I would actually recommend trying this for anyone who is having trouble sleeping. It was around $13USD for a 5.3 oz bottle of it, which honestly -to my surprise- isn’t that bad, the bottle looks pretty big actually. If anything, you just have a really nice room spray if it doesn’t work out for your sleep needs. If you are interested in trying it, I will link it here.

 

 

*This post is NOT sponsored and does NOT contain affiliate links. All products were purchased by me and all opinions are my own. I have not been contacted by this company. I genuinely enjoy this product and wanted to spread the word.

(confessions of an empath)

I gave my shoulder, beaten and bruised

With zero regard to whether or not I was being used

I gave you money that I really didn’t have

I’m just being honest, not asking for it back

I lost a lot of sleep that I already wasn’t getting

Parts of me died just to make sure that you were living

I refused the help I really needed for myself

Out of fear that I couldn’t be there to catch you if you fell

I tried to protect you with compassion and with grace

But even my best of intentions blew up in my face

If you don’t get better, its because I didn’t do enough

Because its my responsibility to save you, with love.