i’m ok and i no longer feel weird about it
I’ve been doing amazing. Genuinely great. I feel like Phoebe again and this is the longest streak of “Phoebe” I have had in about 5 years. I truly think I’ve mastered not giving a f*ck about what anyone thinks about me. I’ve been the creative, silly, hyper, goal oriented dreamer I used to be and it feels good. I even smile sometimes for no reason. Who tf am I?!
I was hesitant to say out loud that I felt better for a while because I constantly feel like anything good that happens to me is a trap. But I’ve realized that if I keep that in the front of my mind at all times, its always going to be a trap. I’m always going to seek out the ways something good could go wrong.
I got a message on Instagram last night from an old friend, one of my former best friends. We chatted about how its so weird that we had a lot of the same struggles but had no idea for all those years. She told me she was proud of how far I’ve come and I really, really needed to hear that as I had spent most of that day feeling quite betrayed by some information I had just learned (like seriously, if you have questions about me, the way my brain works, my blog, whatever… f*cking ask me. Don’t ask everyone except for me. Find a better use for your time.) This friend had always brought out the most creative side of me and for a long time we dreamed together and loved to play music together. She had mentioned the possibility of writing together again sometime, and I immediately felt so much joy. Joy I deserve to feel. I have already been playing and writing more in the past couple weeks than I have in the past several years. I felt like she was telling me that she could see (even from a distance) me doing much better and it was incredibly reassuring.
I also feel a sense of self confidence I haven’t felt in a very, very long time. Not a ton of confidence, don’t get me wrong. But enough to function on a higher level. I’ve been able to let go of things that inconvenience me and upset me -also something I’m not normally great at. I’ve been through this for brief periods of time before, where I think I feel better but then things go back to the way they were. I truly, deep down have a different feeling about it this time. I feel like I am much further away from it than I ever have been. I no longer feel like I am just keeping my head above water.
It’s not a trap. I don’t need to feel weird about it. Its me finally getting to live the life I deserve to live.
I hope you all have a great week and let me know, how are you doing? Legitimately.